Here are some great jokes and one-liners from some of my favourite comedians and writers.

I will update this page regularly, so come back often for the latest gags and thought-provoking funnies!

“I was walking through the Olympic Village and I saw a man with a long stick over his shoulder. I said ‘Are you a pole vaulter?’ He said ‘No, I’m a German. And how did you know my name was Walter?” Chic Murray

“Computer games don’t affect kids. If Pac-man had affected us, we’d be running around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.” Marcus Brigstock

“If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.” Steven Wright

“My parents are from Glasgow, so they’re incredibly hard. But I was never smacked as a child. Well – maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.” Susan Murray

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. And then quit – there’s no point being a damn fool about it.” WC Fields

“My dad always used to say ‘Fight fire with fire’. Which is probably why he was thrown out of the fire brigade.” Harry Hill

“Men who have pierced ears make better husbands. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.” Rita Rudner

“I lent a friend $6000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.” Emo Phillips

“My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian. So we spent most of our holidays … in customs.” Patrick Monaghan